I may not seem like it but I’m actually shy; like to the point of being “torpe” (Filipino term). Though initially only, I don’t usually like making the first move (I’m afraid of not fitting in), but when I do, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I guess that’s why people who know me as outgoing, outspoken, hyperactive, severely talkative and full of life have trouble believing I’m shy. I get nervous easily and I tried to hide it with this facade of what, I’m guessing, can only seem to others like know-it-all-narcissistic-confidence and pretentious swagger (no, not that new age hip hop bs) fused into some twisted pas de deux. I don’t like standing out that much, but I usually just force myself to, as some form of character-maturity building that I’ll be needing later on in life. The only place I can really, truly be myself is in a dance studio, because there I’m neither shy Nico, pretentious Nico or hyperactive Nico, I’m just Nico. (Random note: My name in Egyptian means “Fuck Him”. LOL)
I never really had any talents aside from good memory that serves me well in academia, and public speaking, no matter how much my knees shake and shiver. I was popular in high school, yes, but as the nice guy. The funny, class clown. The occasional teacher-favourite. I was never really LIKED in terms of attraction and crushes in general, cause people didn’t see me that way.
My lack of talents eventually led me to attempt almost everything. As of now, I can swim, fight, play basketball, soccer, football, cricket, badminton, ping pong, track and field (mostly relay and long-jump), speak in public whether rehearsed or impromptu, write poetry and short stories (I’ve been told I have a way with words? Cool), debate, manipulate, lie really well, make you laugh whatever the situation, think up romantic ways to display affection (I’m a hopeless romantic, hence the poetry), do audio-visual editing, teach, sing and dance.
I’ve been through a lot really. I’ve been in crappy relationships, been used, cheated on, replaced, attempted suicide and just a long, dreary list of depressing stuff to hear about.
But if there’s one thing I am, it’s happy. Despite everything. Despite my upsides and downsides. Because I still know how to love. And I can still dream. And as long as I can do these two things, I’m happy.
I don’t think I’m a bad boyfriend. I make mistakes, sure, but I always try to make up for them. I try to be understanding and sensitive and thoughtful. I try to be patient, and I spend hours by myself trying to figure out how to make you feel loved. Be it through flowers, a written poem, a romantic date, etc. I’m a hopeless romantic really. Ask anyone.
Yet I’m the guy who once followed a girl around a mall on Valentine’s Day, flowers in hand, while she ignored the fuck out of me and instead went around talking and hanging out with her friends while I sat two tables away wondering wtf I was doing there (and yes I tried to talk to her, she told me to wait and sit with her other friends instead). What’s sad is that she was the one who asked me out. Hell my first relationship lasted 21 hours. I actually believed she loved me. I didn’t know any better.
I can’t catch a break. I really don’t thing I’m that bad of a boyfriend.
I try my best to surprise you with amazing dates, random displays of love, offerings of flora and food. The only thing I ask is that you trust me and show me I can trust you. I only look for effort in the what you do for me because let’s face it, actions speak louder than words. Then why do I always end up in one bad relationship after the next? It’s either they can’t be trusted or they can’t trust me. Or they love receiving effort yet they refuse to make any for me. I try. I really do. I try to treat you like a queen. I’d tell you everyday how beautiful you are, how your smile just lights up my world; how seeing your face just pretty much makes my day. I try to prove to you all the time just how much you mean to me. Sure I get jealous sometimes, but that just means I’m looking for reassurance. I’m waiting for you to reciprocate and show me how important I am to you.
There was a time when a girl I used to love couldn’t afford to go to college for a while. So she was stuck at home day after day after day. So for two whole months, as soon as class was over, I’d take a bus to her place and go up to her room to find her sleeping in as usual. I’d sit on the bed and wait for her to wake up or just tuck myself in beside her (her single mom loved me so no complaints). Two months I never saw my friends. Two months I did that every single day after classes until 12:30 am.
Because that’s exactly the kind of thing I’d be willing to do for you. Just as long as I know I’m not the only one making an effort.
But as usual I can’t catch a break. I just can’t.
So dear perfect girl, wherever you are. I really would do anything for you. As long as you give me the chance, I’ll be the best and last boyfriend you’ll ever have.
I’ll love you with all my heart, try to prove it to you everyday. Fight for you. Laugh at you. Support you. Encourage you. Play with you. Make you smile. Make you laugh. Make you cry. Forgive you. Miss you. Hug you. Kiss you. But most importantly, Love you. Really, truly love you.